****WARNING: Some crude humor and foul langauge contained in these jokes.****


Police Station

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." So Little Johnny asked, "Why the fuck didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


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Principal's Office

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?" Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse." "That's very nice," said the teacher," Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!" "That's very nice," said the teacher ,"Johnny, what do your parents do?" He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned. "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."


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Who Said That

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go." Johnny was MAD. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was BOILING MAD. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"


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Neighbor's Baby

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"




Sponge

Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge" she replies and sends Johnny out to play. A few moments later, Johnny returns and tells his mother he think he's found her sponge "Oh really," his mum asks Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddies face with it"




Viagra

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."




Little Johnny the Salesman

Little Johnny applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "No, this is my first job," said the lad, but the boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars." said Little Johnny. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said Little Johnny, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No." answered Little Johnny, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife so I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's screwed - you might as well go fishing.' "

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