****WARNING: Some crude humor and foul langauge contained in these jokes.****

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Little Johnny and Susie

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.” Again, Johnny instantly replied, “Our allowance… Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that’ll do us just fine.” By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn’t have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?” Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far….”

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I know the truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”

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I‘m coming

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?” Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?” Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God,I’m coming!” If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.” The nun fainted.

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Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students: “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?” Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.” The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.” Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.” The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.” And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

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No Honey for Johnny

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!” Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!” Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

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Boys and Girls

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” Johnny’s mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…” Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, “Now take off my skirt…” He removed her skirt. “Take off my bra…” which he did. “And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.” When Johnny had finished removing his mother’s panties, she said, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!

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20 Questions With Little Johnny

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions. So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red" Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato". "No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher. So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it" "Go to the principals office" says the teacher. "No but you're thinking", says Johnny, "It's a quarter"

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