****WARNING: Some crude humor and foul langauge contained in these jokes.****

Dog for Xmas

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas Johnny’s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, “I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fucking there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin’ train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin’ bike leaning up against the damn garage!” Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, “So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?” Johnny replied, “I think I got a goddamned dog but I can’t find the son of a bitch.”

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Syllable lesson

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. “Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?” “After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. “Great Jane." “Does anyone know another word.” “I do! I do!” replied Johnny." Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. “OK Mike, what is your word.” “Saturday.” says Mike. “Great, that has three syllables…” Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says “I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!” Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, “O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?” Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.” Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, “Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly is a mouthful." “No Ma’am, your thinking of ‘blowjob’, and that’s only two syllables.”

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New watch

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Little Johnny. “Nope.” replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”. Again Jimmy says “Nope." “You didn’t steal it, did you?” asked Little Johnny. “No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.

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Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?” First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue. The teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black. A second little boy says, “Trees are definitely green." “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.” Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, “Does a fart have lumps?” The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!” “OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!”

Eel in his pants

One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was. “Tonight, go into your sister’s room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do." The following morning, jonny’s mom asked what happened. Little jonny explained “well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot." So sister’s boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would." Except he’s not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath." His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt." About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend’s pants somehow." It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away." When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that." She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off." All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again." Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel." The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them." After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn’t dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it’s skin off and flush it down the toilet!” Little jonny’s mom fainted

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Johnny’s goldfish

Little Jonny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Jonny?” “My goldfish died,” replied Jonny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him. The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Jonny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

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Stick it out

A teacher notices that little Johnny at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal’s office, to phone his mum and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your mom” she says. “I did” he says, “She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school."

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